Dancing Historias #2 ~ THE COMPLIMENT
Thank you for turning the page. We haven’t made it to the light yet, but stay with me. It was a painful injury but I did not quit ballet, quite the opposite. You may remember I said I was stubborn, and that sometimes the universe needs to talk loudly. A very short time later she decided to yell at me again.
Fast forward one year from the “Pop.'“ I had found my new dance school just up the road from my house. My new teacher was high quality and also taught for my previous school. She was different though. I genuinely felt she cared for me as a person, not just as a body she could sculpt. The new school was more relaxed and so she even cracked a few jokes in class, and sometimes we could talk. I made some friends. For the first time I was not the biggest or the tallest in my class, and my previous training had given me a leg to stand on. My injury had healed and with it a new injection of determination.
I walked to class every night, loving the extra work out of the walk to and from class. I bought a new long sleeved leotard that made me look extra slim, and a black chiffon skirt. I felt like a senior ballerina and felt like I almost looked the part.
Compliments at any ballet school were like unicorns, they were almost never heard of, and if they did appear they were more often given in the form of thinly veiled criticism. Feedback showed you were worth working on, so even a criticism was better than nothing at all, and a straight to the point compliment was like winning the lottery.
I arrived to class early and began stretching, my teacher came up to me and to my delight presented me with one of these unicorn compliments.
“Have you lost weight?” she asked? “You look good.”
My insides practically floated in the air! All of my hard work had paid off! Yes I had lost weight, 4 kgs to be exact, I was now down to 55 kgs on my 5”9 frame. You might do some math and note this was actually not big at all. Quite the opposite.
“Hard work” in this story actually meant many years of not eating, as was very common practice in the ballet schools. With my new ounce of determination I had upped the anti and started experimenting with after food purging. A delicate way of saying I was in a complicated tango between bulimia and anorexia. This may sound shocking to you, but I was none the wiser. Everybody did it, and I thought although I was often very tired and cranky, this was just part of being a dedicated dancer. It never occurred to me that I was ”sick”.
Fast forward a few more months this new energy started to dwindle, I was exhausted and hungry and floaty all of the time. I arrived at class and my teacher, the same one who had told me I looked good, approached me again. She said to me
“You look very slim, Are you OK?”
I still remember the concern in her blue eyes as she examined me. I couldn't believe it! Wasn’t this the goal? Wasn’t I doing well for reaching this new weight? Was I OK? Her genuine care and warmth and concern caught me off guard.
Several things happened in quick succession.
In a drunken haze I told my then boyfriend what had been happening, and how I hadn’t been eating and vomiting. He let me cry, and the next day he told me to tell my mother.
My answer was a flat out NO. I told no one else at that time.
But, in true divine style the universe told me, NO MORE.
I was walking to class on a hot day in my long sleeved black leotard. I was exhausted and heating up, walking next to the pipeline by my house, I felt my knees starting to crumble. I held onto the pipeline and felt my body sliding onto the cool cement. I closed my eyes and held myself there in a semi conscious state for what felt like 30 mins. Finally the colour returned to my face and I stood up. A voice came into my head, clear as a bell it said. ENOUGH. I felt it to my core, I walked slowly to class fuelled by the new knowledge that my path had just changed again. Just like that, I recognized I was sick, and I was determined to get better.
People always say no one can change until they are ready. And I believe that is 100% true. Never underestimate the power of a moment, everything really can change “just like that”. Never give up on yourself or others, a new story is always waiting to begin, old chapters can close abruptly.
These chapters of dissociation and self loathing behaviour are not mine alone, as I write them I know they could be yours too. I write them from my garden, where I sit embodied, and truly in love with my body. The journey is what makes life interesting.
Will you stay with me for the transformation ? Honour your cocoon time, the change will come when it’s ready.
~ Genevieve Rogan April 2020
To receive a special free guided 30 minute meditation for body love and acceptance email Genevieve Rogan > genevieverogandance@gmail.com and it will be sent to your inbox.
Genevieve is a kizomba teacher, dancing medicine healer and women’s embodiment guide. Her journey through life with dance as her biggest teacher has seen her create the souldance methodology of teaching to allow her students to connect with their highest wisdom through dance. To stay updated on her online offerings stay connected through her website and social media platforms
Website ~ www.dancingchange.com
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2020 photo Sydney dance photography
Healthy, happy embodied living and dancing